Gospel Centered Manhood – written by a woman!

One of the many blogs I subscribe to, and scan each morning is called Practical Theology for Women (no, I’m not having gender-identity issues… just know a good resource when I see it).  Anyway, today’s article was particularly relevant… and I wanted you to read it…

YOU CAN FIND IT HERE!

On Monday I was all day in the Milwaukee airport, waiting for a flight that evening. I had plenty of time to observe people, see various types of interactions, and ponder…

Airports are places of extreme happiness (glad reunions) and extreme sadness (tearful partings). I noticed one parting in particular that gave me reason to ponder the interesting and God-created differences between men and women. There was a young couple that I figured out had spent the summer together as part of a drum and bugle corp (they both had corp T-shirts, and were with a group of friends the same age that had the same shirts). If you don’t know about drum and bugle corps, they are summer-long marching bands that compete on a very intense level. You can find plenty of video examples on Youtube (and I’ll post a video at the end of this post).

Anyway… I watched the young couple saying goodbye outside the gate… the young lady’s head was buried in the young man’s chest as she cried. He held her, gently stroking her hair from time to time and kissing her forehead. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he was obviously speaking tender words to her, trying to comfort the pain she felt at their parting.

What struck me was this… what would I feel like, or what would it seem like to other observers if the roles were reversed? What if the young man was the one crying, burying his head on the shoulder of the young woman? What if HE was the “weaker” one, the emotionally distraught one who needed consoling? What if SHE were the “stronger” one, speaking words of encouragement and consolation to him, rubbing his back, stroking his hair? Something in me would be repulsed by that scene. I’d probably feel physically ill. Really. It would be that gross to me.

God has made men and women to BE men and women… and that includes all the difficult and glorious differences between them. When each of them is what they were created to be, it feels as natural as the sunshine… to them and to everyone observing. When they are not, something is clearly wrong – and everyone knows it.

Here’s a video the Drum and Bugle Corps I mentioned…

Growing up to be a real man!

Following is an article I read from John MacArthur’s blog… and it addresses some misconceptions about manhood that are prevalent in our culture – and the antidote conception that will set us straight!  It’s a great article, worth your time…

Before I link to the article though, I’d like to address one thing MacArthur says that I think needs to be clarified by making some distinctions…

He says,

Compare the apostle’s vision of manly maturity with John Eldredge’s famous “sine qua non of manhood.” Eldredge says, “Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.”

That is a little boy’s lie. That’s the stuff of children’s fantasies. You simply won’t find a description of manliness like that in Scripture. Instead, Scripture says what motivates real men is a love for the truth; a contempt for error; and a passion for being used by God in the work of snatching people from the grip of the father of lies.

I wonder if it is possible that MacArthur is misunderstanding Eldredge’s point?  I think what Eldredge says is exactly true… every man does long for battles to fight and a beauty to rescue, but Eldredge doesn’t go far enough to say exactly WHAT the battle IS that each man is to fight.  I think what MacArthur is positing as an “opposing” view… IS that battle.  And from my reading of Eldrege’s stuff, I think that’s what HE would say too.

So in my view, this is a case of the poet (Eldredge) describing what the theologian (MacArthur) believes, but in words that the theologian wouldn’t use himself.  I don’t see any opposing views, but complementary ones.

Anyway, here’s the link – enjoy!

Real Men Repent

Being man in our day and age can be a bit confusing.  Who is a good role model?  With many men coming from broken homes, with no dad in sight, sometimes the only role model is what comes out of Hollywood.  Lord… help us!

I came across this article today from theresurgence.org… a very good one… good enough to repost in its entirety.  ENJOY and be BLESSED!

Machismo

Growing up in Santa Fe, N.M. I was exposed very heavily to the “machismo” type of masculinity. A man is defined by how many fights he has been in, how many girls he has slept with, and how much liquor he can consume. This is handed down from father to son, generation after generation. I can’t count how many times growing up that I watched my dad either getting drunk or getting into street fights.

As a matter of fact, one time when he found out that a neighbor kid was picking on me, and I had done nothing about it, he drove me over to his house and forced me to fight him. My dad was as tough as they come. When he was only 16, he wrecked my grandpa’s car, and rather than face the beating he knew was coming, he pushed the car into the driveway and walked to California with only a dollar in his pocket.

What It Meant To Be a Man

The sad thing is this is how he would lead our family as well. Our home was filled with violence and alcohol abuse. I simply thought that this was what it meant to be a man. Therefore, this is what I was aiming for. My father had taught me well, and I was well on my way to walking in his footsteps. But little did I know that God in his grace was calling my father. He would teach him what it really means to be a man. It would be radically different from what he had learned, and what he had taught me.

As my father began to walk with Jesus, I saw him do things that he had never done. These are things that I was taught that real men were never to do. I’ll never forget the first time I saw my dad reading a bible, or the first time I saw him cry, or the first time I saw him actually avoid a fight. It blew me away. I had no neat little box to put this in. I knew that this had to be God working in my father’s life.

I had no neat little box to put this in. I knew that this had to be God working in my father’s life.

Respect and Confession

This began to teach me that there was more to being a man than I was taught. The violent and proud man I once knew was gone, and in his place was a humble and gentle man. A man who still commanded respect, but not through fear. It came through friendship.

I’ll never forget the day my dad came to me and confessed his sins against our family and me. He admitted he was wrong in so many areas of his life, and that by God’s grace he would be a better example of what a man truly is. He didn’t only do this with me, but also with so many people he had wronged throughout his life. It was in that moment I learned one of the most important things about being a man.

Real Men Repent

The bible says in Proverbs 28:13, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” My father taught me the meaning of true repentance. Through this lesson I was able to win the biggest battle I had ever been in. My entire life I battled sin, and I always came up on the losing end. When I placed my faith in Jesus Christ and through the repentance of my sins, I received the mercy of God and acceptance as his son.

Jesus now becomes for me the ultimate example of what it truly means to be a man.

Jesus gave me the victory over sin that I could never have experienced on my own. Meaning that sin became for me something I do, instead of something I am. And when I do sin, I can confess and repent of my sin, and God will be faithful and forgive and cleanse me from all my unrighteousness.

Jesus now becomes for me the ultimate example of what it truly means to be a man. By God’s grace I live to his glory daily in my life and plan to pass this on to my son behind me.

Will your kids keep their faith when they leave home?

Today I read a very, very, VERY excellent article that all Youth Pastors, Pastors, and PARENTS should read…

It’s addressing the issue of college age kids who abandon the church or their faith when they leave home.  The writer is a Youth Pastor, and is speaking from scripture and from experience.

Here’s a quote from the article…

In general, children who are led in their faith during their growing-up years by parents who love Jesus vibrantly, serve their church actively, and saturate their home with the gospel completely, grow up to love Jesus and the church.

That’s just ONE convicting gem from this short article.

If you are a parent who is concerned that your child truly love Jesus and truly serve Him for a lifetime, you should read this article.  Don’t expect a “guaranteed formula” – but expect a clear and powerful argument about what it really takes to transfer a love of Jesus to your children in a genuine way…

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2011/07/29/why-youth-stay-in-church-when-they-grow-up/

3 Prerequisites for real change – (part 3)

We’ve already covered steps 1 and 2 – Will, and Humility.  Now it’s time to move on to step #3…

 3. Obedience

This one really just tops-off the first two.  If you are really willing to do ANYTHING to see change happen in your life, and you are willing to humble yourself before God in order to do it… then this one should be the easy one.  You simply follow through on what you are supposed to do – by obeying what God has said in His word or though His Spirit’s leading in regard to that subject.

But obedience is seldom that easy – is it?  Just ask any 10 year old son, who has a bazillion thoughts in his head at once and tons of energy to go along with it, and a mom who’s giving him something to do.  So many things can knock you off track.  Let’s list some of the more common ones…

• Distractions (something more appealing vies for the attention that needs to be focused on the obedience)
• Preferences (you’d simply rather do something else)
• Emotions (you’ve been through this before and it hurt – BAD, so you want to avoid that again if at all possible)
• Doubt (you aren’t sure that what God is saying to do is REALLY the way you should go)
• Stubborn-ness (you didn’t realize you’d have to go THAT far to really see this thing change)
• Other truly important things (family, career, finances, etc.  It’s not just the frivolous things that make it hard for us to obey)

Here’s an example of how this might work out…

A husband and wife have been counseling for some time with their Pastor.  It has become clear to all of them that the husband has been harsh and demeaning toward his wife for years and he’s going to need to change that behavior.  The husband sees it and admits it – and does want to change (see the will and the humility in that?)

It’s also become clear that the wife needs to begin working at encouraging her husband, building him up, making him feel like he really CAN lead the family.  She recognizes how she’s been lax in those areas and wants to begin making changes (again, see the will and humility?).

But there are some problems.  Since he’s never treated her like she’s truly important or valuable to him, the wife is having a very difficult time getting around the offense and hurt that she feels toward him.  She wants to do what is right, but her wounds are screaming out for her not to do this.  She simply doesn’t trust him – yet.  The husband’s got some similar issues – his wife has been kind of a nag, in fact she treats him just like his mother used to treat him – and in his mind, that’s plenty of reason to treat her the way he does.  So he’s got his own emotional reasons for not wanting to do what he has come to realize needs to be done.

It’s at those places that the issue of obedience comes to the forefront.  Are we going to do what God wants us to do – NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT IT MAY BE – or are we going to effectively look Him in the eye and say, “I hear what You are saying, Lord.  I even understand why it’s the right thing for me to do.  But I’m not going to obey You in this – I’m just not.”

There is no getting around the fact that we are winding up in that exact place when we refuse to go where we know we should.

So there they are – will, humility, and finally obedience.  When you combine the three, you will see change happening in your life that brings health, blessing, and joy.  When you drop the ball on any one of them, you’ll see your life stall out and lose its momentum.

Having said all that – it’s God who is at work in us, to will and to do His good pleasure.  Keep that in mind and ask yourself, “How can I learn better to cooperate with Him as He is doing His will in me?”

3 Prerequisites for real change – (part 2)

I’m writing these 3 posts based on thoughts I’ve had over the years concerning lasting change.  What is the difference between the times we are really able to make a lasting change and the times we seemingly try with the same amount of energy, but are unable to make it last?   The first thing I mentioned was “will.”  We have to be willing to pay the price the see the changes take place – no matter what that price may be…  now on to number two…

2. Humility

I don’t think I’m able to express the importance of this one strongly enough.  The times I’ve seen true change happen, the quality of humility was very evident in the person who did the changing.  Here’s what God has to say about it…

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. (James 4:5-6)

Walk through that passage with me, slowly.

• God – the Almighty.  The One who created all that is and keeps it all in motion.  He opposes proud people.
• Logical thinking here – is that the type of opponent we want?
• Humble yourselves – it’s OUR responsibility to ensure that we are properly humble before Him.  We’ll unpack some of what that means in a second.
• He WILL lift you up – it seems that James is saying that just as God is an opponent of those who are proud, He’s also an advocate for those we are humble.  Sorry Benjamin Franklin, but it seems “God helps those who cannot help themselves.” (Music trivia – 100 points – What accomplished country singer/songwriter wrote a song by that name?)

It seems pretty clear that humility is the way to go – if you care at all about having God in your corner.  Let’s take it a bit farther… did you notice that James didn’t say Christians were excluded from that truth?  In other words, God will even oppose a Christian who is proud.

So if God opposes the proud, what is considered “proud?”

Here’s where it gets difficult, because we all tend to whitewash ourselves to the extent that it is next to impossible to see ourselves rightly.  And pride is like termites – it’s there, eating away at you without you even knowing it.  But to be proud in the way God is speaking of, is to be too confident in your own abilities, too sure of yourself – as opposed to being dependent on God.  An example may be helpful.

Proud people typically have a very hard time admitting their needs, wrongs, or short-comings.  In marriage counseling it’s often the hardest part to convince an insensitive husband or a nagging wife that they really are insensitive or nagging, because their pride will not allow them to see themselves in such a negative light.  Proud people often are so sure that their way of thinking about a certain issue is the right way of thinking that they won’t truly listen to other opinions with a genuine desire to understand and find the truth.  Pride isn’t about truth, it’s about self-protection.  That’s why the Lord says in 1 Corinthians 10:12 that pride comes before a fall (a disaster, a hardship, a huge mistake).  Pride leads us to continue doing things the way we’ve always done things – come hell or high water… and often both are what show up on our doorstep as a result!

To contrast, what is a humble person like?  Contrary to popular belief, a humble person is not a doormat for others to walk on.  A humble person is not one who walks through life denying their strengths for the sake of seeming humble.  Take a look at Jesus.  He humbled Himself and we are told to have the very same attitude – but that doesn’t mean that He downplayed who He was or backed down when faced with a difficult situation.  If He had, we’d all still be in our sins because He wouldn’t have followed through with the agony of the cross.

A humble person is one who is willing to see themselves realistically – however flawed or competent that may be.  A humble person is willing to hear somebody else out – to consider that the perceptions other people have about situations, and about them, may be right.  A humble person is willing to figuratively bow before the people they have injured and confess their wrong.  A humble person is wise enough to know that they don’t, and never will have it all together.  Once you realize that, you can more easily be real with other people.  They’ve known for a long time that you aren’t perfect, and once you humble yourself, you’re able to admit it too…

Are you beginning to see why God is an advocate of humble people?  Here’s how I see it…

When you couple the truth that God has given us a will (from the last post) with the quality of pride, you get a person who will do anything and everything to out-do, out-last or out-fight someone else (co-worker, spouse, etc.).  It has nothing to do with reality, or truth – it only has to do with self-preservation.  But when you combine the truth of human will with the quality of humility, you get a person who is willing (by their own choice) to change and to be changed.  That’s because they are willing to look at the cold, hard truth about who they are – to confess it, and admit that they need change.  That’s why lasting change can’t come in the life of a proud person.  The proud person will never do that, because they think that the way they are, dysfunctions and all (though they have an exruciatingly hard time admitting they even have dysfunctions), are OK just like they are.

So,

#1 – you have to be willing to do whatever is needed to change.  #2 You have to humble yourself before God (and your spouse if it’s marital conflict that is going on).  These are the first 2 steps to seeing lasting change in your life begin.

Prerequisite #3 is coming up soon…

3 Prerequisites for real change (part 1)

For many years I’ve been asking the question,

“What does it really take to make lasting change in your life?”

The reason the question has plagued me off and on is because I’ve experienced both sides of it.  There have been things I’ve started, tried, worked at – and been a roaring succes.  But there have also been things that I’ve started, tried, worked at – and I was quitting with a capital “Q” within two weeks!  So being a person who tries to think about life – I’ve asked the question, “What was the difference between the two situations?  Why did one work great and the other flop before it got started?”  If you’ll take the time to look at your own life, I think you’ll see a pretty even spread of successes and failures too.

Though I’ve not found all the answers on this question (I’m sure), the Lord has given me a bit more clarity about it in the past few years – primarly from seeing changes made (and not made) in the marriage counseling setting.  Wherever I am serving as a Pastor, my wife and I typically wind up doing quite a bit of marital work with people.  Some really change and everyone rejoices… and others, in spite of the counsel, continue to struggle along.  Today I’m going to give you the first of 3 things I’ve discovered (so far) that make all the difference…

1. Willingness – Many years ago I had a CD in and was once again astounded by what I was hearing.  It was one of the greatest guitarist on the planet, a man by the name of Phil Keaggy.  My father-in-law was in the room and in the midst of my rapture over this incredible music, I said to him, “Man, I’d give anything to play like that!”  His response, without missing a beat, was, “No you wouldn’t.”  I was a bit flustered by his remark.  (OK, I was pretty ticked off!)  So I asked him what he meant (I’m sure with not too gracious a tone in my voice).  He simply said, “If you would give anything to play like that, you’d have already done it.”  He was right.  I didn’t really want it THAT much.

What I’ve found is that if we really want something, we usually find a way to do it – or we at least keep seeking a way to do it.  I believe that God has given us a wonderful gift – a will – to do things in life that bring glory to Him.  It may not even be something religious or particularly “spiritual” – but if we do the best we can, with the gifts that HE‘s given us, it brings glory to Him.  Colossians 3:23-24 bears that out.

That kind of determination, perseverance and will-power (so to speak) is the first step toward real and lasting change.  That means you’ve got to be willing to do whatever is needed to see the change take place, no matter how difficult or costly that may be.  We’ve all said we’ve really, really, really, really meant it – THIS TIME!  But the reality is simple – If we didn’t follow through and accomplish “it”, then we weren’t willing, for whatever reason, to pay the necessary price.

In a passage where Paul is encouraging the Corinthians to follow through on a financial gift they had promised to give, he speaks about willingness.  He says that “if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable…” (2 Corinthians 8:12) Willingness really matters to God…

In the marriages I’ve seen that are really, truly, honestly healed for good – BOTH people were willing to pay whatever price it took to heal their relationship.  THAT is amazingly honoring to God because it is a heart of faith that understands that God will do His part – as they are willing to do theirs…

#2 to come…

For husbands… about wives

I remember my parent’s 60th anniversary.  It was great to be among all my siblings and to see what’s happening in the lives of them, their children, etc.  As we interacted and as my family and I drove to get there and back, I had quite a few thoughts about relationships.  Nothing like getting together with family to bring those kinds of thoughts to the surface…

A very wise woman (my wife) once told me this… “Silence is a negative communicator.”  What she meant was this – saying nothing, when there is something that needs to be or should be or could be said, will always cause the person on the other end to assume the worst, not the best.  For example…

A husband and wife have been talking and the wife makes a comment that she’s become unattractive and fat since the birth of their last child (her words).  The husband (all inside his head – in his typically logical way) thinks, of course she’s put on a little bit of weight from the pregnancy, but he would never say she’s unattractive.  He still loves who she is, the way she walks, the funny way she laughs, etc.  And more than anything he still loves the personality and heart that won him over in the first place.

But because it’s a potentially volatile conversation, and because he doesn’t really know how to go about giving a diplomatic response, he sits silently without responding at all (If I ignore it long enough…. it might go away…).  Her assumption, drawn from his silence, is that he agrees with her – he probably is very dissatisfied with the way she looks and wishes he’d married someone else, etc.  The negative thoughts, flowing from insecurities that may be deep-seated and long-lived, snowball out of control.  By the time he walks out of the room she’s convinced that he’s thinking all kinds of things that never crossed his mind… His problem was that he simply didn’t know how to respond in a pinch…

While communication is a two-way interaction, amazingly it’s not always made up of words.  What we don’t say leaves ample room for speculations that at the time and in the context, seem very well-founded.  Our inability or unwillingness to speak can, and often does cause great harm.

I’m talking to husbands here – out of over 20 years of my own mistakes and mis-steps.  We have a powerful role we can play in the lives of our wives if we can learn to get over our fear of emotional or relational conflict.  It really is amazing what a contradiction the majority of men can be.  We’ll bungy-jump, ride our cycles at 75 MPH over the roughest terrain, hunt for days in the frigid mountains, and even willingly step into a literal war-zone to defend our country… but we won’t take step #1 into the unpredictable land of relationships and emotional communication.  We’ve tried it, didn’t know what to do, and sounded the retreat.  Maybe I can be a pointer that will help you get your bearings…

#1 – Every tension has an underlying reason. We are typically pretty logical as men.  We look at the facts as they appear to us, try to deal with them in the most expedient way, and presume that everything should be OK once that’s done.  But we have the tendency to only see the facts that appear the most obvious.  In the scenario I painted above, most of us would come to conclusions like these… “She’s overreacting – she’ll get over it.”  Or, “It must be that time of the month…”  But the real problem is not that she’s overreacting (even though she may be).  The real problem is not that it’s “that time of the month” (even though it may be).  The real problem is that she is struggling to see herself in the right light – for whatever reason.  Husband, it’s your job to help her adjust her vision, to see things rightly.  Beneath all her doubts there’s one that looms larger than any other – “Does he still love me – extra pounds and all?”  There’s almost always a deeper issue – and we husbands have got to learn to explore long enough and deep enough that we can find it and begin to address it.

But that’s a LOT of work – how many guys really want to get into that?  What do you do if you don’t really care to go there?  Honestly, that’s when you husband, need to adjust YOUR vision.  You’ve lost sight of what being a husband is really all about.  Or maybe you never really knew from the beginning.  If so, it’s about time you learned.  Here’s what God says a husband’s role is all about… Ephesians 5:25-33 (with my comments interspersed).

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

• God’s intent for a husband is to live the heroic, damsel-in-distress-saving life that the little boy in all of us really wishes we could’ve/would’ve/should’ve lived.  God wants us to be the hero, the husband who gives it all for the sake of the one he loves – do you see Christ doing any different in what He did?  Jesus paid the ultimate price for the sake of His bride, the church.

26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

• Why did Jesus do what He did?  Because he wanted his bride to be holy (perfect) and to be radiant and blameless, without stain or wrinkle.  He was looking far beyond the present moment to what His bride could become.  That’s why He gave everything, even to the point of giving His own life.  Husbands, your goal has to be the betterment and growth of your wife.  She can become so much more than she already is… if she only believes that you believe she is and can be that vision of loveliness  – and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help her get there.  Those insecurities, inner fears, etc. about her that are so tough for you to handle – they all begin to melt away over time, as you meet the need for love and acceptance that they represent.

28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.

• You do yourself a disservice when you mistreat , ignore, or neglect your wife and her needs.  Marriage is symbolic of Christ’s relationship with the church.  Can you ever imagine Him saying, “Man, that church is just too needy…”  No, His attitude is more like this, “She’s a part of me now – I’m going to keep at it so that she can be all she’s supposed to be.”  It’s back to that passage from 1 Corinthians 13 – love is patient…

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

• When God established marriage He intended it to be a place of PRIORITY (leaving the other important relationships behind, in comparison), and a place of PURSUIT (going after a new relationship… and husbands, look and see who is supposed to be doing the pursuing…YOU).
• The way Jesus is ABLE to do all this for the church is the mysterious part – but equally mysterious (in my opinion) is how much He empowers us husbands to be all we need to be for our wives when we decide we are going to obediently love them as we should.  Jesus’ example is huge, but His partnership with each husband is huge as well.
• And what if your wife is not doing her part – the respecting part? Here’s my advice… if you will do your part and trust God with her’s – that will all fall into place – eventually.  He’s the one she’s got to deal with in the end, and your faithful love and care for her is part of what God will use to turn her attitude around.  Just don’t give up – it may take a very long time to see things change.  Once you’ve taken responsibility to change YOUR part, you can count on God to honor that, and begin doing a work on her part…